Just Thinking...

I love Utah sunsets. Well, I love sunsets anywhere. This is the view from Jess's house. It is awesome.
so I have finally been able to get into a book. I've been in a dry spell lately. IT is, Have a little faith, by Mitch Albom. It's a true story. Mitch is interviewing/visiting with his childhood rabbi. For some reason this Rabbi has asked him to do his eulogy. Rabbi's been sick for awhile. Anyways, these two men develop a friendship. One day as they visit, the topic of happiness comes up. Mich asks Rabbi, "what is the key?" Rabbi respond, "Be satisfied. Be grateful." I have spent some time thinking on this. Rabbi speaks truth. Most of the unhappiness in my life, is a result of not listening to this counsel. I guess it all comes back to being in the here and now. When I do this, it seem I"m satisfied with what is, instead of being caught up in a constant stream of thought, of all that is not right in my life, or what I need or should be doing. Believe me when I say, there is more than one way in which "things"in my life are not right. Point is, this is true for all of us, no one has the "perfect" life; so when we not only accept, but are satisfied, with what is, life's better. Not sure if that makes any sense but enough babble for today. So I'm aiming to : Be SATISFIED & Be GRATEFUL!

Confessions

My Sister Jessica told me I had to write a new blog and gave me the topic of confessions:

1. I forgot to brush my teeth this morning and when I finally realized it, due to the obscene amount of fur on my teeth, I did not rush to brush them. In my defense I was out, and unable to go straight for the toothbrush. But still, fur equals DISGUSTING, as Lexie would say, and that is a confession worthy of a post itself but not likely to happen. I will share part not all the DISGUSTING details.
2. On a daily basis I am stopped in my tracks because I may wet my pants. I think I have shared parts of this ailment on my blog before but really I should see someone about this, as it truly is effecting my life.
3. I developed arm acne shortly after Anna was born. She is 2 and a half. Why have I not been to see a dermatologist? I have insurance, I can handle the copay. This is just crazy but I am happy to report March 3rd baby, maybe there is an end in sight.
4. I hate the,"I over ate feeling." I feel sick and wonder why I would ruin a good meal by ending it with that. I did it tonight and felt sick all evening.
5. I enjoy cooking and probably think I am better at it than I am. But people if you don't have kosher salt in your kitchen get some, today. It makes all the difference.
6. When I go to target, we get popcorn and a Mountain Dew for the tour of the store. It keeps my kids happy and me as well.
7. I am rarely happy with my hair.
8. I cry easily and frequently.
9. I want a St. Bernard Puppy real bad. I know they are huge and slobbery and work, but they are cute and I have wanted a dog for about nine years.
10. I enjoy writing, it is cathartic for me. It would be my dream to have a newspaper column or whatever and get paid to ramble my crazy thoughts.

Where is December going? It seems to be running away from me and I wanted to record some random thoughts. First I love Christmas. Everything about it. The lights, the decorations, the tree. I love that tonight Anna stole the baby Jesus from the Nativity and wanted to play with it. Don't get me wrong I didn't let her keep it or play with it or anything ( it is my beloved olive wood nativity I bought in Jerusalem.) It just made me happy because I remember doing the same thing and having a fascination with the baby Jesus, as a little girl. I remember how much my mom loved her nativity and I think it was my favorite decoration to put up and I also remember fighting with my sisters about how it was "suppose" to be. As if that matters.

I think it is funny I never knew Christmas was a lot of work until having children. It is work, stress, and sometimes you wonder if amongst the stress we are missing the point? I try to enjoy the festivities but remember the real meaning and I am hoping my kids are getting the real meaning.

I went to the movie Blindside last night. I'm a big fat sorry sap so, I loved it. It amazes me that the different "lives" people live just stone throws away from one another. Some with so much opportunity and some with so little and so much to overcome. It makes me sad cause I think of the potential wasted and what all the kids who just never got a fair shot at life may have become with the right molding? Do you ever wonder about this or why you have had the opportunities you have? I do. Then I wonder if I've made the most of them. I guess the lesson is to remember it and make the most of the ones right now.

Movies that touch on the life of inner city kids always for some reason makes me think of my, Andrew. I have no idea what kind of life he may have had but I think that he is why I always feel so moved by shows like this. I think how sad it would make me if my boy had a life like this and think of how many kids really do have a crack addict for a momma. And you know the thing about kids, they love there parents no matter what horrors they put them through. And you know, I think those moms love there kids the same as I love mine; they're just stuck in a bad rut. Who hasn't been in a rut? But "ruts" come on varying scales so I guess I will be grateful for mine, cause you start looking around and you realize how lucky you are. So enough babbling. Nine days till Christmas, I better go and wrap some gifts!

Musings

I can hardly believe the Week of Thanksgiving is upon us. 2009 is coming to a close and I find myself wondering where has it gone? The older I get the more the phrase 'time flies' means. Life is going at warp speed and daily I am reminding myself to enjoy the moment the task at hand, because all too quickly, the children who make me want to pull my hair out during the hour of sacrament meeting, will be grown and gone.

It is funny with the holidays closing in my usual feelings of nostalgia are here and stronger than ever as this is my first Thanksgiving and will be first Christmas away from family. I have started listening to Christmas Cd's while driving in my car to home care visits. The phrases "I'll be home for Christmas," and "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas," have taken on new meaning. They have intensified my longing for home.

We will be hosting Thanksgiving at our house with two young families in our ward and it will be fun but not the same as keeping with usual traditions. I am looking forward to the preparations, cooking, yummy food, and delicious smells emanating from my kitchen.

In all honesty I am not ready for this time of year to be here. I need 1-2 more months to prepare. I guess the key is to simplify, enjoy celebrating the reason for the season. instead of the commercialized side of Christmas. I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving week and we remember all we have to be grateful for. Happy Thanksgiving!

What I know for sure...

Andrew and Lexie July '09

• Things are never as hard as we make them. Projects: getting a cupboard, drawer, or garage organized, a bad day at work, a real messy house. Things are really never as bad as we perceive them. Now if I can remember this in the moments of, "it can only get better."
• While I think having a clean house is ultra important, it is probably not as important as the emphasis I give it in my mind.
• My kids are beautiful and my greatest blessing
• Things are just things, but sometimes there are some things I want real bad
• I cook better than most places I eat out at. Maybe that says something about the restaurants I'm going to.
• Cherry Limeades from Sonic are delicious. Sonic is BIG in Texas
• The gospel of Jesus Christ is true
• I left some of the greatest people in the world to work with, at IMC Labor and Delivery, and LDSH Labor and Delivery, and I miss you all.
• We ALL make mistakes. It is important to learn from them, not dwell on them.
• Good Health is a great blessing. We should do all we can to preserve our good health. Something I need to work on as I have been on a big junk food kick lately, and have no regular exercise program to speak of. The Texas heat has got the better of me.

Nostalgia

Anna, Andrew, and Lexie October 2008

Sometimes in the middle of a season, I will get an overwhelming feeling that the next is upon me. The other day I had the feeling of fall; the crispness of the air, crunchiness of leaves, the feeling of a fresh start, that for me I associate with the starting of a new school year. Pulling out the sweaters, the fall colors: red, orange, yellow, brown. Thinking about what to be for Halloween. These are the emotions and feelings of fall. For some reason in the middle of July on a 90+ day it felt like fall. Can seasons be feelings? For me they can. The start of each new season denotes certain feelings, emotions, smells. There is excitement and sadness all rolled into one. The adventure that the new holds and the sadness that the old has past. Did I make the most of it, did I do all I should have? Did I enjoy it to it's fullest extent because it is gone for another year. I'm wondering if anyone else gets these whiffs of nostalgia associated with seasons in the middle of the preceding season. Or is this crazy talk? Which is probably the case. Well just my random ramblings. So do any of you get Seasonal Nostalgia?

The Lead Ox

"The lead ox, he is the animal at the left front of the team. George is the dominant animal and the most intelligent of the four. The other three oxen look to George to make the decisions. He is gentle and extremely hard working but can be a disciplinarian with the other oxen if they do not behave." (http://www.frontier-resources.blogspot.com/).
The other day my mother made this comment on one of my postings, "Kids are so responsive to all the good that you teach but as the mother you will often feel like the Lead Oxen and it seems that you get in the harnesses each day and just pull the family along. It is a lot of work but definitely worth it. Love MOM"

I thought a lot about this, did a little research and I think the Lead Oxen is an accurate description of a mother and women in general. After the research I really felt it must be true "most intelligent" and all. But some days it is just exhausting, don't you think?

Tender Mercies

So it has been awhile since I posted. Last week was super busy and this week seems to be getting away from me as well. I hate it when this happens. I like to be busy so I feel productive, but no so scheduled that exhaustion is always just there waiting to set in when I stop moving. Anyway, amongst the busyness I have been thinking a bit, and here is what has been on mind. [I swear I did not push the publish post button, but judging by Michael's comment I must have. Par for the course yesterday, another post entirely ( but so humiliating I don't think I could publicly share.)]
Amongst all the hub bub of a bad economy, recession, unemployment and general state of things I think it is even more important to look for the simple things in life which really what bring us true joy. Sure I would love to be able to quit my job tomorrow and have plenty of discretionary income but would it really make me happier? Maybe for a few weeks, or months, I could possibly ride the high for a year, but would it last? I've come to the conclusion that the bliss I'm picturing in my imagination would be just that, imagined. The things which really make me happy on a daily basis are the little things, which I am already abundantly blessed with. The other day when I was feeling particularly blah, I saw the sunset amidst snow flurries. It was awesome, it immediately added a little pep to my step and it reminded me of the many blessings I can appreciate on a daily basis. Utah sunsets, the funny idiosyncrasies of my family. Lexie finds all sort of crap to sleep with every night and the array of things she must have by her side before going to bed changes weekly. This makes me laugh; is part of what makes Lex unique, quirky, and fun, and a tender mercy I don't want to overlook. So I am trying to find the silver lining, recognize the good, and stay optimistic.

I got this quote off my brother-in-laws blog. I liked it so I thought I would copy it, thanks Matt. I also think this is something he lives and I admire him for that. I am going to try and be more like this. One thing I have always wanted to learn is surfing. Maybe 2009 is the year? What is something you've wanted to try?

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail way from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in you sails. EXPLORE. DREAM. DISCOVER. -----mark twain

Knowing and Doing

Why is it that we know what it is we need to do, but the actual doing can be so difficult at times? We all know some particular thing we need to do, lose weight, eat right, exercise, get a job, accept, forgive, get organized, clean up our mess, move on, commit, grow where we are planted. The list can stretch on forever. I believe most people can find something from the forever long list they need to conquer, why is the doing so difficult?

Grace

Last week at the grocery store I experienced grace. I had to go to the store with all three of my children. This is something I try very hard not to do as it usually turns into a stressful situation, and I become frazzled, embarrassed and really not the best version of myself. But I was a few ingredients short, for my planned meal, which at our house is also a grace a planned meal that is. When I got into the store we quickly located the cart with the car which has two steering wheels, alright were in business, I thought. Then I went to put Anna in the seat up front and low and behold the carts with the cars and steering wheels do not have a baby seat. Plus the car carts leave little room for groceries, they are not deep enough to set a mobile baby in and so I thought how am I going to do this? I can't carry Anna through the store; so I do the next best thing, Andrew, the four year old is now in charge of holding Anna in the car. Any of you who know much about Andrew can see the disaster written all over this. I think, "Oh maybe if I hurry this will work." I made it to about the lemons, keep in mind we started in produce, and thought this may not work. Right when I was thinking this I ran into my grocery store angel Jill Benson. Now Jill has three small children of her own close to the ages of my kids. So if anyone was going to understand my dilemma it was Jill.
Jill saw me and said, "Where's your baby?" I point to Andrew and she starts laughing. She then offered to take Anna in her cart, and said she would find me when she was finished with her shopping. When I was done with my shopping she helped me through the checkout line and out to my car with the groceries. She even loaded then into the back. Now that is grace. God usually works through people and it doesn't have to be some grand gesture, or heroic cause to be grace. Jill was heroic to me that afternoon, by her small but very meaningful act of kindness. I hope I would do the same thing if the situation were reversed. Or would I be in too big of a hurry, or to self absorbed to notice the needs of someone else? I hope not.
There is a little snippet from a book I'm reading regarding grace which really hit me. The narrator is talking and her sister were discussing tragic circumstances of of a neighbor family where both the mother and daughter were diagnosed with cancer at the same time. The narrator said,"that family needs grace," to which the sister replied, "No, what that family needs is casseroles," She then proceeded to arrange meals which were brought in every night for one year. The narrator said, "My sister doesn't realize that is grace." Call it what you want, grace, tender mercies, but the power I refer to as God, you may call it what you like, was aware of my needs that day, and helped me in the form of an old family friend. God is everywhere, especially the details. Thank you Jill, for your help and your example.