I have some free time on my hands this week. Well as much free time one can have after you finish a 10 hour day at work. But still, my evenings have been quiet and lonely this week. My Matty is fishing, cause he is a giant playboy, and my babies have spent the week with there dad and grandparents. I've been fiercely lonesome, but I've got some reading in and tonight I went to the Move The Help. If you haven't read this book, do it is on my top 5 all time favorites and I loved the move just as much. The book I have been trying to complete for the last several weeks was Gone With the Wind. Happy to report I finally finished last night. This is actually my 2nd time through this book, and if you know how long it is, that will tell you it is also one of my favorites otherwise why read it twice. It is a story of survival and gumption which is why I love it. I bawled when the Yankee women made Uncle Peter cry, and when Melly died. I don't often cry in books. It is funny that I have surrounded myself with so much of the South this week, but it got me thinking.
What makes people be so cruel to one another? As I was finishing Gone with the Wind last night, I quit when I had like 25 pages left. I couldn't stand how mean Scarlett and Rhett were to one another, cause they loved each other. I think maybe on some level this struck a cord with me, because I got divorced. What makes people who love or are suppose to love one another do such hurtful things or treat one another with such indifference? Those wounds run deep and sadly, sometimes aren't repairable. I fell asleep quickly, to wake to a welcomed phone call from Matt. After I finished talking with him I couldn't go back to sleep due to Gone With the Wind on the brain, so I had to finish it. It's still a favorite.
Whenever I watch a movie about racial issues in our country it hits a cord with me. The Help particularly touches me as it is set in Jackson, Mississippi. My baby was born in Jackson, and sometimes I can't help but wonder the kind of life he may have had if he'd grown up there. Certainly vastly different that what he has. I know the South is much better now, than during the 50's and 60's, but I also know that old prejudices run deep in this area of the country. I hate thinking of the idea of someone saying hurtful things to my boy just cause he has a different color of skin than them. I'm also, not so naive as to think, just cause we are in Utah he will be immune to this. I know at some point in his life, he will deal with this. I just hope I've done well in teaching him, as Adelaide to baby girl in The Help, "I's kind, I's smart, I's important." I think this may be one of the sweetest parts of the movie. Seeing the hired help, care and love the children who's care they were charged with. It is amazing to me that you could think, someone can't use your bathroom because they are of a differnt race and might pass some disease to you, but they are OK to raise your children. To hold them, and kiss them. Comfort, reassure, teach and ultimately raise, but nope use your own bathroom. If there isn't something faulty in that logic, then I'll be damned.
The other thinkg I wonder about when it comes to racial issues, is does it bother the African American community that I, a white women, am raising a black child? I guess ultimately I don't care, but every now and then I wonder. I also know there would be plenty of people who are fine with it, and then some who would take offense. But what is really important is that I love the big brown eyed boy something fierce. He's sweet, curious, a charmer, BUSY, funny and most of all my boy. Once someone asked me if I loved him less than my biological children. I don't remember who asked me this, but I kinda thought IDIOT. I know that's not nice, but all I can say is Andrew is mine just the same as if I gave birth to him. As long as I can teach him: he's kind, he's smart, he's important then well, I'll feel like it will be a job well done. Cause what we believe of ourselves very often becomes our reality.
I'm so happy that my Matty returns tomorrow and my babies Sunday morning. I've missed them all so very much!

Banana Anna

So, a few may find this offensive, but it was funny so I'm sharing. Several weeks back, Anna lied to me. I was in an odd parenting moment and I informed my three year old that liars are thrust down to Hell. I also told her Hell was a scary hot place. I did to it in a jovial manner, Maybe not my best moment; she had a tad bit of fear in her eyes and she told the truth. Anyways it stuck with her. Last week at the end of my work week, I started singing, "I don't have to go to work for 5 days." I repeated this a few times and then 3 days into my 5 days off Lexie asked if it had been five days. At first I didn't know what she was talking about. She then prefaced my singing. I explained that I didn't have to work tomorrow, being Sunday, or Monday, but come Tuesday I would be going to work. Anna replied, "I, don't like Tuesday, Tuesday can thrust down to Hell." I guess at least she used it appropriately. I tried not to laugh and told her it was probably best if we didn't talk this way; but man that girl has some humor and fire in her! I love it. She has been providing me with endless comedy lately and keeping me humble. I do have to say, I'm glad she'd rather be home with me, cause heaven knows I'd rather be with her!

coinforcolleen

My aunt Colleen is a part of some of my earliest memories. Growing up we were always close with my Moms family. We visited my grandparents often, and had family parties at our house. We were close and I loved getting together with my aunts, uncles, and cousins. There is twelve years between my mom and her sister Colleen. So there were several years when my mom had young children and Colleen was single. She would often come and visit us on Sundays. Collen would often take my siblings and I out for ice cream at Smiths. I always got bubble gum ice cream. It seemed like one of us usually dropped our cone on the floor. It probably only happened once, but you know how memories get jumbled.

In my baby book there is a picture of Colleen holding me. My family had gone to the "hills" as my grandpa would say, to gather pine nuts. We did this a few times over the years when we would visit my grandparents in Minersville.

When Colleen got married after a few years her and her husband Rick built a house about 10 minutes from my parents and over the years our families spent quite a bit of time together. Christmas Eve's, Sunday evening visits. I spent a lot of time in the Cobia home as a young teenager babysitting. Often my friend Natalie would come with me. I have good memories of boating, going to Lake Powell and just spending time together.

A few weeks ago Colleen was in a horseback riding accident and suffered a spinal cord injury. Me being a nurse, I can't think of many challenges that would be more difficult. She is now a paraplegic, while I am hopeful that this condition will not be permanent, we recognize the need to make preparations for home life in a wheelchair. As I contemplated what I could do, I found inspiration from a man who lives in my area, and coincidentally across the street from my aunt.

Five or 6 years ago, he suffered a similar injury. He is a quadriplegic, and has regained some usage of his arms. While I don't personally know this man, I've developed a love and reverence for him. He spoke in my church meeting last week, and he spoke on miracles. He talked about he small miracle in his life and how when he is looking for them, they are in our lives everyday. He mentioned how he had loved all things outdoors, and related to farming, prior to his injury. He also said how one of the things he was still able to do, was mow his lawn on his riding mower. The whole meeting long I was fighting tears. He was an amazing man. Later in the following meeting, it was announced that this man was going to mow lawns of anyone that wanted him to, and the money would go to Collen, his goal was to earn 2000 dollars in order to buy her a special bed that will help prevent pressure sores. It really made me think about how busy, I "think" I am and how many opportunities I probably miss in serving others. So I decided I wanted to help in some way.

I spoke with my brother in law who happens to organize races for a living to see if he could give me some advice on maybe setting up some sort of fun run as a fundraiser, in order to make the Cobia home wheelchair accessible. He said he had a better idea and I think he was right. He is an organizer of the DIRTY DASH, and obstacle course race that looks like a blast. He said he would give me a promo code and any participant who registered for the race using the promo code coinforcolleen, 25% of the entrance fee will go directly to the Cobia family. So join me in the DIRTY DASH and lets earn some money for the Cobia's and we'll get a little dirty, or a lot, and also have lots of fun while we do it. So go to http://www.thedirtydash.com/ and register today, and don't forget the promo code: coinforcollen. September 17 & 24, 2011 Salt Lake or August 27, 2011 Boise.

I'm also hoping to spend a little more time in my own life recognizing the small miracles that are in my life, and taking the time to be grateful in all things. I have so many blessings in my life, and as Colleen said to me when I went to visit her, "I hope one day I can pay it forward." I'm hoping to be able to do the same as I have been the recipient of much help in my life over the past few years.

Self Esteem Shoot Down

So this week my kids are trying to do a number on my self esteem. Monday night I was jumping on the tramp with Andrew. We were going to play add on, where one person does a trick and then you do theirs and add yours to it. Andrew did a flip, and we had just eaten and I said I'm getting old, I don't know if I can do that. I'm hoping if I wasn't full I could just flip around. Maybe I'll have to try tonight. Anyways, after I said, "I'm getting old." Andrew chimed in with, "Yeah, you're almost 40." For the record, I'm closer to 30 than 40, and 40's not old. We laughed and I had to razz him for calling me old.
Then last night Anna hit me hard with her comments. She took a really long nap yesterday and woke up around 5. So last night after she had been in bed for over an hour she started calling for me. She had been quiet so I thought she had been sleeping. When I went in there, it was clear she hadn't even fallen asleep yet. I told her to come to the kitchen with me and she helped make jam. Sometimes it is nice to let one kid stay up late when all the others are sleeping. You get some fun one on one. She was darling and she helped with the jam and wanted to help with the dishes. This generally makes for more work, but I remind myself of the importance of letting them help. I made her some toast with the jam we made and she said, "this sure is good toast you made me mom." She has the most cutest voice ever so sometimes it makes things seem cuter than maybe they are. Anyways, after we were done she wanted to lay by me so I told she could lay by me while I read. After I got ready for bed, I climbed in by her and she said in the quietest whisper, with her fingers held up indicating a small amount, "mom, you look a teeny-tiny, bit ugly." I'm not use to this from my kids. They are usually very complimentary to me. So I guess I'm old and ugly, and these sources don't lie! Kids, they're keepin me humble.