I have some free time on my hands this week. Well as much free time one can have after you finish a 10 hour day at work. But still, my evenings have been quiet and lonely this week. My Matty is fishing, cause he is a giant playboy, and my babies have spent the week with there dad and grandparents. I've been fiercely lonesome, but I've got some reading in and tonight I went to the Move The Help. If you haven't read this book, do it is on my top 5 all time favorites and I loved the move just as much. The book I have been trying to complete for the last several weeks was Gone With the Wind. Happy to report I finally finished last night. This is actually my 2nd time through this book, and if you know how long it is, that will tell you it is also one of my favorites otherwise why read it twice. It is a story of survival and gumption which is why I love it. I bawled when the Yankee women made Uncle Peter cry, and when Melly died. I don't often cry in books. It is funny that I have surrounded myself with so much of the South this week, but it got me thinking.
What makes people be so cruel to one another? As I was finishing Gone with the Wind last night, I quit when I had like 25 pages left. I couldn't stand how mean Scarlett and Rhett were to one another, cause they loved each other. I think maybe on some level this struck a cord with me, because I got divorced. What makes people who love or are suppose to love one another do such hurtful things or treat one another with such indifference? Those wounds run deep and sadly, sometimes aren't repairable. I fell asleep quickly, to wake to a welcomed phone call from Matt. After I finished talking with him I couldn't go back to sleep due to Gone With the Wind on the brain, so I had to finish it. It's still a favorite.
Whenever I watch a movie about racial issues in our country it hits a cord with me. The Help particularly touches me as it is set in Jackson, Mississippi. My baby was born in Jackson, and sometimes I can't help but wonder the kind of life he may have had if he'd grown up there. Certainly vastly different that what he has. I know the South is much better now, than during the 50's and 60's, but I also know that old prejudices run deep in this area of the country. I hate thinking of the idea of someone saying hurtful things to my boy just cause he has a different color of skin than them. I'm also, not so naive as to think, just cause we are in Utah he will be immune to this. I know at some point in his life, he will deal with this. I just hope I've done well in teaching him, as Adelaide to baby girl in The Help, "I's kind, I's smart, I's important." I think this may be one of the sweetest parts of the movie. Seeing the hired help, care and love the children who's care they were charged with. It is amazing to me that you could think, someone can't use your bathroom because they are of a differnt race and might pass some disease to you, but they are OK to raise your children. To hold them, and kiss them. Comfort, reassure, teach and ultimately raise, but nope use your own bathroom. If there isn't something faulty in that logic, then I'll be damned.
The other thinkg I wonder about when it comes to racial issues, is does it bother the African American community that I, a white women, am raising a black child? I guess ultimately I don't care, but every now and then I wonder. I also know there would be plenty of people who are fine with it, and then some who would take offense. But what is really important is that I love the big brown eyed boy something fierce. He's sweet, curious, a charmer, BUSY, funny and most of all my boy. Once someone asked me if I loved him less than my biological children. I don't remember who asked me this, but I kinda thought IDIOT. I know that's not nice, but all I can say is Andrew is mine just the same as if I gave birth to him. As long as I can teach him: he's kind, he's smart, he's important then well, I'll feel like it will be a job well done. Cause what we believe of ourselves very often becomes our reality.
I'm so happy that my Matty returns tomorrow and my babies Sunday morning. I've missed them all so very much!

Perspective...

The good thing about my job for me, is often when I need it most it gives me a dose of perspective. It keeps me grounded. The last year of my life has been probably the most difficult ever. As I drove to work on Thursday night, I think I was feeling a bit sorry for myself. I was tired, and didn't want to work another night shift. It is an ordeal getting all the kids in the car, dropping them at my parents everytime I work. Not to mention the inconvenience this is to my parents. I will never be able to repay them for all they've done for me over the last several months. Anyways, it was a good shift for me. It gave me perspective, and helped me to remember to be grateful for all I have. I took care of two women that evening, both difficult situations. The first had lost her baby late in the 2nd trimester. It is always a sombering experience to be part of the delivery of a baby who has past away.

The second lady was really the kicker for me. She had recently been diagnosed with pulmonary hypertension, a severe case, and the liklihood of her living to raise her children isn't great. She delivered her son about 2 and half months early, has a husband who works across the country and 3 small children at home, being cared for by her sister. Talk about more than one person can bear. She had an amazing attitude. She was funny, and I think just doing what she had to, to make it through. I quickly gained appreciation for my own set of challenges, felt grateful for my health, the ability to work, and odds are I'll get to see me children grow up. Sure it's not fun to cry with your little girl cause she's sad that mom and dad don't live together. In fact, it's heartbreaking. All I could do was cry with her, and say sorry. But at least I got to be there with her. The commen denominator between my patients circumstances and mine, was family. She had amzaing support from her family and I have amazing support from mine.
My sister is having a little boy in her neigborhood over 3 mornings a week before school in order to help out a single mom. Someone said she was crazy and I said, "I'm glad your doing it, I need someone to do that for me. " She responded with, "that's why I'm doing it. I'm hoping karma will kick in and someone will help you out." That pretty much sums up my family. They are great and I'm lucky to have them, my kids are lucky to have them, and I'm grateful for the amazing examples I am surrounded by. I guess the point of any challenge in life is to teach us to be more compassionate and less judgemental towards others. So, I'm grateful for my job, and for the impact this patient had on me. It was a great reminder of all of my blessings and came at a time when I needed it.

Grief...

There have been a few things in my world recently, that have gotten me thinking about grief. Everyone deals with grief at one point or another in life: health problems, infertility, financial stress, marital difficutlies, addiction... the list is long and sometimes sorted... Grief= Pain. Pain is pain and nobody can determine the degree of anothers suffering, or really compare suffering. So my thoughts on dealing with it all:

1. Allow yourself to "feel" the emotion when it comes. Don't shove it down. Just be.
2. Let tears happen
3. Accept yourself
4. Do your best to avoid the whys, and if only's... I assume all go here. Escape the trap of getting "stuck" here.
5. Be paitent with yourself. Work through your grief at your own pace

Wish life was all sunshine and lolipops, but I guess if it were, it'd be easy to forget to recoginize the blessings.

I think I Can

"THE MAN WHO THINKS HE CAN"

If you think you are beaten, you are; If you think you dare not, you don't.

If you'd like to win, but think you can't It's almost a cinch you won't.

If you think you'll lose, you've lost, For out in the world we find Success beings with a fellow's will; It's all in the state of mind.
If you think you're outclassed, you are: You've got to think high to rise.

You've got to be sure of yourself before You can ever win a prize.

Life's battles don't always go To the stronger or faster man, But soon or late the man who wins Is the man who thinks he can.

When I was a school age girl I was obsessed with quotes. I remember collecting them and putting them in a little black 3 ringed binder. I got them from all sorts of places and I'm not sure where I came across this one, but something reminded me of it the other day. I still remember the yellowed 5x7 card it was typed on. Typewriter print. I loved, and really believed in its message. I also love the corresponding book with the post, The Little Engine Who Could. This is one I read to my kids often, and when the get frustrated or whine about there inability to do something I will chant, I think i can I think i can. Very often it works, and they will at least try the task which seems insurmountable. Sometimes they are able to solve their own problem, and others they still need someone to intervene, but the point is they try.

The question I have about this is why as an adult is this harder for me to believe? I mean, I honestly believe in the message and know it is true, but I find myself lacking sufficient faith. What is it about life that makes us cynical, skeptical or a little jaded? How do we take what life hands us and rather than becoming bitter and jaded, use our experiences to be more compassionate, forgiving, and accepting? I guess I've come to the conclusion, we make a choice. We have a choice each day, are we a I think I can train, or an I think I can't? Sometimes I'm both; and I'd guess, we all vacillate with this at times. So here's to making the conscious choice, to see the cup half full, and remember Life is Good. Have you seen this brand? It is a little tree huggerish but I like it. I bought myself a Life is Good Hat in St. George to help me remember, when I forget. Life's Good!

Flashback Friday

This is Andrew in September 2005. He is just a few months over one year, and it was a few weeks before Lexie was born. How great would it be to be able to fall asleep in a swing. OR on second thought how awful, he must be completely exhausted. He is still just as cute now. We came across this photo as Lexie and were going through pictures of when she was born. So much has changed. He is in kindergarten! I can hardly believe it. The girls and I went to the school today to have lunch with the little guy. It was a pajama party for all the kindergartners. He was so excited about the party all week long. He didn't even fight me in getting ready for school, which was a welcomed break. He jumped right up, went to the shower, then dressed in his space jammies which had been the plan, put on his shoes and said he would fix his own breakfast, which he did. I laid in bed all the while and then jumped up and drove him to school cause it was pouring rain ( we live way close, so the driving is really unnecessary.) It was fun to go see Andrew in his school setting and he was excited to see us. We need to do this more. Every time I go into the school all the adults from the lunch ladies to the secretaries in the office tell me how sweet Andrew is. I got told this by no less than SIX people today. He is a charmer. Worries me a little because I think he thinks he can get away with 'stuff' cause he can talk his way out. It really is mostly effective with the ladies though. I love you Andrew and Lexie too, for taking the walk down memory lane with me. My children truly enrich my life so much. I would be lost without them, even when they make me nuts. Best weekend wishes to everyone!

So I was thinking about self discipline and I decided the difference between the disciplined and the undisciplined is about 30 minutes. Or in other words really not that much. I'm saying this in regards to the Thanksgiving clean up. You know the house was in good condition to start. By the end of the festivities it is like a bit of a hurricane. This is always how it is at any family gathering. After everyone was was gone the kids and Jeremy( who works at 3 a.m.) were ub bed, I sat back thinking, "man I'm tired." I just wanted to veg a little. I thought of my mother, grandmother, and mother-in-law, the ultra disciplined and decided that just 30 minutes would put me back where I started. 30 minutes isn't much and my day tomorrow will be so much better if I do it. I would have been justified in putting it off but I'm happy to report that discipline won out this time and I put in my 30 minutes. I wish discipline always won out, life is so much better when we exercise a little self discipline. The problem is we have to do it in all aspects of life and well it is a balancing act we just have to keep tweaking. If anyone has this art form down, please contact me asap. So grandma, who I have been thinking about lots lately, thanks for your wonderful example of self discipline, maybe one day I will become the women you are. Here is hoping.

Turkey Day!!

Love this. Kids make everything better, especially holidays. I am so grateful for all my many blessings, especially my kids. Each phase is so fun I want to soak it all up, "I don't want this feeling to go away, please don't go away" Upside Down Jack Johnson

lnspite of being away from family, we had a great Thanksgiving. We celebrated with two families in our ward and it was very nice. I'm gaining an appreciation for the out of state ward "family". I feel so thankful for all my blessings, family, friends, gospel, freedom. Now how to give back with this crazy life we have? I'm open for suggestions. Hope all had a great Day.

So the other night as I was reading my delicious book, there was a fly buzzing around in my otherwise quiet abode. Jeremy was snoring, the kids were nestled in there beds, and there was a giant fly disturbing my quiet time. I had the thought to myself, why don't butterflies come in our homes and fly around? That would be pleasant, I would love to look at them, and they are quiet.

Wouldn't you prefer a quiet butterfly to a noisy disgusting fly? I would but, I don't see this happening in the foreseeable future. Someday I'm going to have a world where butterflies are the pests you find in your home, children are tidy eaters, and never ever argue.