"CREEPING UNDERWEAR"

We have virtually erased bad breath in this country, stamped out dandruff and done away with burning, itchy feet, but we have been unable to conquer one of society's most dreaded disease: Creeping Underwear.

Everyone talks about Creeping Underwear, but no one does anything about it. Technical research has put powdered orange juice on the moon, yet on earth we are still plagued with pantyhose that won't stay up, slips that won't stay down and girdles that should contain a label, "HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH."

To suggest that Creeping Underwear changes a person's personality is the understatement of the decade. The other night I went to a movie, a full confident, well-adjusted, stable, human being. Two hours later, I was a totally different person. My slip had crept to my waistline to form a solid inner tube which added about 15 pounds to my form.

My girdle, in a series of slow maneuvers, had reached several plateaus during the evening. First, it slid to my waist. Upon finding this area was already occupied by a slip it moved upward, cutting my chest in half and gradually moved upward to where it pinched my neck and caused my head to grow two inches taller.

The pantythose were quite another story. they kept sliding down until I realized halfway through the movie that I was sitting on the label in the waistband and that if I dared stand up the crotch would bind my ankles together.

I tried to adjust these garments in a way so as not to call attention, but every time I bent my elbow, tow straps slid onto my shoulder and bound my arms like a straight jacket.

My husband was the first to notice the change in my personality. "What are you doing sitting under the seat in a fetal position?" he asked. "Are you trying to tell me you do not like the Movie?"

"I am suffering from Creeping Underwear," I whispered.

"You should have taken a couple of aspirin before you left the house," he snarled. "Now get up here and sit up straight in your seat."

He didn't understand. They rarely do. Nearly 98.2 percent of all the victims of Creeping Underwear are women. As I sat there I looked under the seat next to me and saw another woman in a fetal position. "What are you doing down here?" I asked.

"I crossed my leg and was flogged to death by a loose supporter," she sighed.

"Do you think they'll ever find a cure?" I asked hopelessly.

"I hope so," she said, "Your tongue is beginning to swell."

-Erma Bombeck Sunday, November 14, 1971

As it has been nearly 40 years since this writing NOTHING has changed. Creeping Underwear is still plaguing women. I routinely where a straight jacket, or even better have the chest cut completely in half by the Riding Up brazier. Those of you who are small busted will relate to this. Most of my skirts are lined so I rarely wear a slip, but last Sunday I had a skirt which required a slip, I have felt the effects of the inner tube. The pantyhose falling half way down. All little girls have suffered though watching there mother put pantyhose on as she jumps up and down trying to get them in place only to have them back down a few hours later, I'm being generous by saying hours too. The movie "What Women Want" has a wonderful enactment of women putting pantyhose on, Mel Gibson. It is completely accurate and for sure the best part of that movie.

I remember when I first read this wonderful article. My mom had an Erma Bombeck book, and I laughed and laughed.

Now just add garments to this and it takes Creeping Underwear to a whole new level. If anyone has any cures for this cursed disease, please comment as there are many women still suffering.

Nic and Jess, I made in the nick of time!