Tim McGraw Update

So I was at Costco on Saturday with Anna. We moved back to our house on Friday, and we were stocking up on the essentials: flour, sugar, etc.. I ran into an acquaintance who we have a few mutual contacts. She knows my sister, Nicole well and we have a mutual good friend, Stac. She was asking me how I was, she must have recently talked with Stacie because she knew I had moved back to my house. She then proceeds to tell me that she saw me at the Tim McGraw concert. I wanted to die. I spent the better portion of the evening making a fool of myself as we imitated, the clearly intoxicated lady in front of us. As she told me she saw me, I felt this urge to explain, but didn't. I swear, I am always making some sort of a fool of myself. Note to self, never, ever, ever dance in public. Never. I told my friend Laura, who I attended the concert with, about this acquaintance, and she got a good laugh because she saw me. She knows, what an idiot I looked like. It really hadn't occurred to me, someone I knew may see me. I'll remember for future reference.

Crack Kills

Yesterday, Andrew, Lexie, and I went to the grocery store. I really am not the best grocery shopper. I don't go down aisle per aisle grabbing what we need or what is on the list. I usually go back and forth from aisles grabbing what is on my list, searching for where I think it may be. Stupid I know, but it is how I do it. It works for me. We were gathering ingredients for our delicious dinner. I do like to cook! Back to the point of the post. We were almost finished, coming down one of the last aisles when, we came upon the plumbers crack. This gentlemen, was bent down looking at something. I almost grabbed my phone and took a picture, then I thought that wouldn't be nice. For some reason I couldn't stop staring. It wasn't just a little bit of plumbers crack, it was more like complete backside nudity. The kids were busy looking at candy so they didn't notice (which is good, cause Lexie would have for sure said something and it would have been loud. We are practicing the tact, and being aware of others feelings with her.) I sure did and why I couldn't pull by eyes away I'm unsure; it wasn't like staring at Matthew McConaughey or anything. Once he finally retrieved his item he stood up and hiked up the pants. It was funny. I guess I'm wondering, when that much of your rear is hanging out, don't you notice?

The Best of the day

I think I've mentioned the Best of the day tradition I got from a family in our old ward. We don't always do it everyday it is more of one of those things that when we remember the kids seem to really enjoy. We haven't done it in a while but I wanted to do a blog of my best of the day. The following two items have brought me great joy and much laughter and a little sadness:

Drum roll please: This is the hairstyle Andrew will be sporting to school tomorrow, ikes

I know the eyes are not helping the look but this was the best shot I got before sending him BACK to bed, where you could see the damage. I had put the kids to bed and was upstairs having a moment to myself. I knew they were talking and playing but I thought they were staying in their room and being quiet so I didn't care. Then Andrew came up with his hands over his head. For some reason I didn't think anything of it till he took them off and said," Do you like it?" No, not really, was my thought. I went from anger, to sadness, to this is hilarious in a nano second. The real humor hit when he and Lexie realized it wasn't a good look. I had sent them to bed as I was texting the photo to my fam, and I over hear Lexie saying, "I don't like it. Maybe you can where a hat to school tomorrow so no one sees it." She is four how does she know it is bad? Oh who am I kidding, look at the picture of course she knew it was bad. It wasn't till after Andrew processed this comment that he said he didn't want to go to school tomorrow. I know I''ll just have to buzz or Bic the rest off but I just don't want to. It will take forever to grow back; I suppose that is better than the alternative, sporting a bald patch on the front of your head for the next several months. Why I ask, why?? I could've sworn he did it with a razor but nope just a little pair of scissors from my mom's sewing drawer. At first I could only find one little lock of curls. My sister Nicole, who called me immediately, said, "there has to be more, THAT is more than a lock of hair." I found them in front of the mirror in his room. What to do with this boy? Lexie got in some trouble too, for not getting me when she knew Andrew was doing something naughty.

My second best thing for today: So I talked to Nicole several times today. Well I think just 3 times and every time she was on her way to Target. Guess how many Targets she went to today? She is going to write her own blog about this but I've laughed so hard it had to be included in the list: 6. Yes that is right, six different Targets. I was laughing hard when I thought it was only 3. She then later confessed to 6. Can we say C-R-A-Z-Y. She was in search of something, which like I said she will blog about. It was some decorating accessories for Lucy's room, I think. I suppose, this is why her house looks so great. Not only does she have an eye for decorating, she will also spend all day working to achieve the look in her mind. I love you Nicca thanks for a good laugh.

I finished the evening out watching some 30 Rock. I'll have to admit, when I first saw this show, I didn't really get it. It's grown on me and I think it's hilarious. When I happened upon it on the ON Demand I had to watch. Hadn't seen it in awhile and it was a good way to finish the day out. Life is good and funny. So do you think Andrew should have to sport the look at school for a day to learn a lesson??

"CREEPING UNDERWEAR"

We have virtually erased bad breath in this country, stamped out dandruff and done away with burning, itchy feet, but we have been unable to conquer one of society's most dreaded disease: Creeping Underwear.

Everyone talks about Creeping Underwear, but no one does anything about it. Technical research has put powdered orange juice on the moon, yet on earth we are still plagued with pantyhose that won't stay up, slips that won't stay down and girdles that should contain a label, "HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH."

To suggest that Creeping Underwear changes a person's personality is the understatement of the decade. The other night I went to a movie, a full confident, well-adjusted, stable, human being. Two hours later, I was a totally different person. My slip had crept to my waistline to form a solid inner tube which added about 15 pounds to my form.

My girdle, in a series of slow maneuvers, had reached several plateaus during the evening. First, it slid to my waist. Upon finding this area was already occupied by a slip it moved upward, cutting my chest in half and gradually moved upward to where it pinched my neck and caused my head to grow two inches taller.

The pantythose were quite another story. they kept sliding down until I realized halfway through the movie that I was sitting on the label in the waistband and that if I dared stand up the crotch would bind my ankles together.

I tried to adjust these garments in a way so as not to call attention, but every time I bent my elbow, tow straps slid onto my shoulder and bound my arms like a straight jacket.

My husband was the first to notice the change in my personality. "What are you doing sitting under the seat in a fetal position?" he asked. "Are you trying to tell me you do not like the Movie?"

"I am suffering from Creeping Underwear," I whispered.

"You should have taken a couple of aspirin before you left the house," he snarled. "Now get up here and sit up straight in your seat."

He didn't understand. They rarely do. Nearly 98.2 percent of all the victims of Creeping Underwear are women. As I sat there I looked under the seat next to me and saw another woman in a fetal position. "What are you doing down here?" I asked.

"I crossed my leg and was flogged to death by a loose supporter," she sighed.

"Do you think they'll ever find a cure?" I asked hopelessly.

"I hope so," she said, "Your tongue is beginning to swell."

-Erma Bombeck Sunday, November 14, 1971

As it has been nearly 40 years since this writing NOTHING has changed. Creeping Underwear is still plaguing women. I routinely where a straight jacket, or even better have the chest cut completely in half by the Riding Up brazier. Those of you who are small busted will relate to this. Most of my skirts are lined so I rarely wear a slip, but last Sunday I had a skirt which required a slip, I have felt the effects of the inner tube. The pantyhose falling half way down. All little girls have suffered though watching there mother put pantyhose on as she jumps up and down trying to get them in place only to have them back down a few hours later, I'm being generous by saying hours too. The movie "What Women Want" has a wonderful enactment of women putting pantyhose on, Mel Gibson. It is completely accurate and for sure the best part of that movie.

I remember when I first read this wonderful article. My mom had an Erma Bombeck book, and I laughed and laughed.

Now just add garments to this and it takes Creeping Underwear to a whole new level. If anyone has any cures for this cursed disease, please comment as there are many women still suffering.

Nic and Jess, I made in the nick of time!